Jaded: ramblings of a muse

I have said time and again that I am a hopeless romantic.I believe in love,yet I am cynical about it at the same time- oxymoron of the year!I believe in soul mates,in the premise that everyone has someone out there, just waiting to be discovered.Sometimes I wonder too if I am not being silly and overly optimistic..maybe a tad naive to believe in things that only sound beautiful in theory,stuff that love stories and poetry are made of.
There are things that we all look for in a partner but most people are unrealistic as they come, and in the end wind up alone,or with the wrong partner,and most stay in relationships or marriages for all the wrong reasons. Financial security,kids,and many varied reasons.This begs the question, how many people are out there living a lie?Smiling on the outside, broken and miserable on the inside-lacking the courage to end the facade?Is it as simple as it sounds?Only the wearer of the shoe knows where it pinches most and for the people who actually walk away, it is a nightmare.No one understands, and why would anyone?It comes across as selfish and vain, but is it really?The human mind can only take so much and at some point it’ll buckle under the weight of the lies and pretense.All it takes is one small thing and everything comes down like a house of cards.”Tibi Ipsi dic verum”- To thine own self be true.”
Enough said.

When I was 18,I got married to a man I thought was my dream come true…I mean,what did I really know at 18 about life?I was fresh out of school,naive and impressionable.They say at 4 years,children have all the questions, and at 18,they have all the answers!I had met my Prince charming, and were definitely gonna ride together into the sunset no matter what anyone said about it.Thing about me is,I absolutely hate rules.I hate being confined into one place and told I can’t do this or the other, and so I eloped and got hitched to my prince charming,why?Because they all said I couldn’t. Yihaaaaaa!Right? Wrong!Everything that could go wrong, did.As I started discovering myself, serious conflicts arose.I was in love with the idea of being in love,influenced by love stories of happily ever after and this man was 7,almost 8 years older than me, so he clearly knew what he wanted in life.10 years later?Divorced.Do I have any regrets?None at all,I have just grown up and become jaded about marriage and love…and yet still dare to hope that this soul mate notion is not just a mirage,it can become reality.

Almost a year ago I met someone.He was, and still is my soul mate.A male version of myself,a hell lot more intelligent though! Just the way I like them.I am attracted by intelligence,a superb sense of humour. They call people like us sapiosexual-people who are attracted by intelligence,which is a good thing,but is severely limiting sometimes.The human brain is the largest sex organ and basically, our sexuality is rooted in our childhood events,especially how we related to our opposite sex parent.I had a great relationship with my Dad, and he loved books…and so after the foolish marriage venture and I discovered what I really liked.I discovered I love intelligent men who love to read!Go figure!So anyway,I meet this man and we have almost everything in common.He is an introvert of sorts and I am ‘extrovertish'(will explain the ish in a bit)…but we clicked right from the word go and I discover we share the same taste in music,most books..he loves autobiographies and I hate them..loves politics and I hate it..but bottom line,he gets me.Understands all my weird thoughts,my constant craving for solitude-this explains the ish in extrovert.Extroverts love being the centre of attention and adore being among people.I am one chatty Cathy,but I crave solitude and love my own company,nothing a good book and some nice music can’t cure.

And so here we are,almost a year later and I am feeling a bit jaded.Questioning my beliefs and a lot of the things I believe in.Wondering whether love does exist or at best, what it is.Is it the chemistry that exists between two people,the heart flutters when you see them,the severe twisting pangs of jealousy when another woman/man so much as looks at him/her,the longing to spend time with the other person,the feelings of inadequacy when you look at your flaws and failings..just what is love?Is there anything you can ever do, or is there any particular way to love someone? James Ingram soulfully asks…”How do you keep the music playing?How do you make it last?How do you keep the song from fading too fast?How do you lose yourself to someone and never lose your way?How do you not run out of new things to say?And since we know we are always changing,how can it be the same?”
The worst and best thing about being a sapio is the fact that you are not able to date non readers-crippling and limiting.We associate reading with intelligence, which is not necessarily true.There are many people out there who are not readers but are highly intelligent, and the best part about it is you learn not to compromise on your standards,and as with everything else, pros and cons exist.We are at a cross road,not sure which direction to go.We acknowledge we hit a 90% match..but is it enough?We have to consider other factors like family…we are left feeling torn between.Where do our loyalties lie?With each other?Our children?Our parents?Do you throw caution to the wind and pray things fall neatly into place? Is there a right or wrong way?

The truth is I do not have the answers,no one does.Some people come into our lives for a season and a purpose,the best we can do is live for the moment, but also seizing those moments- “Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero” simply..seize the day, trusting as little as possible in tomorrow, for tomorrow is not promised.DO I regret anything?Regret falling in love,regret that there is a possibility we may not have a future together?I have realised that the answer is an emphatic NO!I have lived,I have loved.They say better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.I am okay with that.I have gained a life long friend in him, which is more important, having a friend you can always count on,one who will get your weird moods and will listen, not judging because he too, is just like you.

And so I remain shaken, but not completely stirred.